COLUMN: The Three Stages of Mending a Broken Heart

You’ve been dumped. Short of throwing yourself off the nearest bridge, you resort to hiding in your bed for days, comforted only by the fact that at least you have a year’s supply of Moonpies by your bedside and your answering machine is on the alert in the hopeful case that your once loved one might call and beg to have you back.

Only, that call never comes and that box of Moonpies? It’s a constant reminder that the emptier it gets, the more bloated you are. But, you don’t care. You wish the earth would open you up and swallow you whole. Sound familiar?

Cases like this happens everyday.

Falling in love has its risks and you’ve just experienced it first hand. You want your life back but don’t know the first thing about how to get out of that black cloud that hovers over you, or even finding the energy to do it.

What do you do?

Acknowledge the fact that you have to go through three different stages during a break-up. Once you realize this, you can chart your progress and see that it’s only a short trip to recovery.

STAGE ONE – The Hurting Stage

Symptoms: This is the hurting stage. It’s where you are now. It’s your heart’s way of telling you that you have just experienced the worse kind of hurt there is. You cry, you’re depressed and you have no idea how you are going to live without him/her. You leave messages on his answering machine and text him to the point where you are becoming psycho. You drive by his house in the wee early morning to see if his vehicle is still at his house or he is – gulp – off with another woman. You drive by where he works and contemplate going in and crying your eyeballs out to let him know this has hurt you beyond repair. You either eat tremendous amounts of comfort food or you don’t eat at all and your health suffers. You cry on your co-worker’s shoulders and hope they can help you get out of this mess. You are, essentially, gone and a hopeless mess.

How to cope: Now more than ever would be a good time to hang out with friends and watch a few comedies, even though you just aren’t up to it. Rekindle family relationships. Talk to older family members about how they met their husbands/wives and how they coped with troubled relationships. Gain insight from them. Try to remember things that brought you happiness. Was it a bike ride through the countryside? A trip to the beach even in the cold of winter just to watch the waves lap against the shore? How about that closet that is in desperate need of rearranging/cleaning/sorting? Now is the time to focus on you.

You have to acknowledge that this is the normal process of grieving a relationship that has died. Nothing can really help at this point because as with the death of a loved one, this is the same feeling. It’s a natural process. Give it time and remember that soon you will enter the second stage.

THE SECOND STAGE – The Getting Even Stage

Symptoms: Remarkably, when your heart begins to heal, your hurt turns to anger. What nerve he/she had to dump me! You vow you’re going to make his/her life a living hell as long as you are alive. You start dating. Only, these are rebounds. Rebound relationships most times happen in this second stage. Some last, but most do not for the simple reason that you will do anything in your power to inflict pain on the one who did it to you.

How to cope: Once you get to this stage, you’re halfway there. Even though anger is not a healthy feeling to have, it is a normal reaction after you’ve gotten over the feeling of hurt. However, instead of going postal and risk the chance you may do something you’ll regret later, take his/her picture and throw darts at it. Burn love letters. Finalize the break-up by getting rid of everything you have of his/hers. But keep in mind that years from now, you’ll wish you did have some kind of remembrance of the relationship because it’s all part of your life history. Whatever you do keep, look at it as a symbol of how well you did cope and can look at the relationship as a learning experience.

STAGE THREE – The Not Giving a Damn Stage

Symptoms: You wake up one morning and ask yourself what you saw in this person in the first place. Nothing he/she does now bothers you. In fact, you are happy he/she has left because you are ready now to form new relationships, new loves.

How to Cope: You are there. When you hit this last stage, you have finally come to the point where you can go on from here and form new relationships. Relationships that aren’t rebound. When you finally get to this last stage, you will become the person you once were – full of happiness, hope and a quest for life.

Once you realize the three stages of a break-up, it helps you to understand the process that is involved. Just as it took time to fall in love, you don’t just fall out of it overnight.

It helps to remember that there will always be a tomorrow and that there is always that second chance to find that special person who is meant to share his/her life with you. Life is full of second, third and even more chances. So, pick up your heart, go through the process to heal and chalk it all up to experience. You’ll be glad you did. In the words of an unknown author, “Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.”

© Dorothy Thompson

Author and soul mate expert Dorothy Thompson is a one of the nation’s leading authority on soul mates. Her book "Romancing the Soul" and ebook "How to Find and Keep Your Soul Mate" are one of the most comprehensive guides to explaining what soul mates are really all about. Dorothy’s relationship columns have appeared in publications in the U.S. and abroad and has been quoted in such books as “Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees” by Cheryl Dellasega.

She is a popular radio media guest, appearing on such shows as Lifetime Radio, Single Talk (World Talk Radio), Around2It, and Cuzin Eddie Show with Penny Sansevieri and 850 KOA-AM (Clear Channel Radio with listeners in 38 states, Canada and Mexico) and other media outlets. To receive a FREE special report on “Ten Tips in Identifying Your Soul Mate,” or to learn more about Dorothy's columns or books, visit her personal website at http://www.dorothythompson.net/ or her soul mate advice website at http://www.soulmateadvice.homestead.com/. You can also visit her blog at http://www.soulmateadvice.blogspot.com/ where she answers your questions about soul mates!

Permission is granted to post column on your website or ezine as long as bio is intact.

Is My Fiance "The One"?

Q: Hi Dorothy- I'm engaged and have been often finding myself questioning about "the one", if he is it and how i feel given that i have had stronger connections with other men and I feel I may be missing something, but I love my fiance immensely. It has left me very confused and tired. It just helps to get another perspective on "soul mates" and "the one".

A: I think what you are doing is going through the normal stage of having pre-marital jitters. Before you tie the knot, you're naturally going to want to make 100% sure that you're making the right decision. For one thing, if you feel you love your fiance and that the only problem lies in the fact that you have these strong connections with these other men, I'd say that the impending marriage was in good shape.

"The One" is often misconceived. It's a shame to give up on something beautiful that you could have with your fiance because he might not be "The One." The truth is, there is no "The One." However, there are many soul mates out there that will come into your life that fulfill your different needs. You will need them all to be whole.

Back to this misunderstanding of what people perceive as "The One," a lot of people think that their twin soul is "The One." Your twin soul is one of many soul mates that will come into your life and is no more important than the rest, but with the twin soul comes the perfect love and that is what we all strive to find. When we feel that we have close to the perfect love as we could get with our soul mate, but yet think that there's something missing, it's only because people put such high standards to this. There will be no one to fulfill your every needs and that is why your other soul mates are important in your life.

Your fiance is your companion soul mate. He is meant to come into your life for intimacy and/or childbearing and is an important figure in your life. By all means, stay on the path you are intended to follow and keep in mind that these other people with whom you feel strong connections could indeed be other soul mates or they might not, but they are in your life for reasons other than what your fiance has come into your life for.

I "see" this relationship with you and your fiance as becoming a successful one and one in which you will learn many things about life and about yourself. Remember, there are two things you must listen to - your innerself and your heart. They hold the answers. All you have to do is listen. ;o)

Hope this helps and good luck to you!

Love and Light, Dorothy

~*~*~

Dorothy Thompson
Author, Syndicated Relationship Columnist, Soul Mate Relationship Coach
http://www.dorothythompson.net

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Do you have a question you would like answered about the soul mate relationship?
Send your question to Soul Mate Relationship Coach Dorothy Thompson at thewriterslife@yahoo.com or fill out the online form at AskDorothy.
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If He is My Twin Soul, Will I Regret Leaving?

Q: I believe I have finally found my twin soul, and have been with him for nearly two years. Despite all odds, we have been inseparable, finding it next to impossible to part with each other until now. I have very recently left the relationship (although every cell in my body and soul is screaming not to) because he has an active alcohol addiction and borderline personality disorder. What happens when there are obstacles such as this? If he is my twin soul, will I forever regret leaving? I know he has to work out his own problems, but is there anything I can do to keep the relationship AND my well-being?

Gabrielle

A: First of all, my heart goes to you. My twin soul had an addiction, also, so I can relate to your question quite well. In fact, that addiction led to his death, unfortunately. A very sad time for everyone who was part of his life, especially me, his twin soul.

Now, it sounds to me like you made the very choice I did. It’s a hard decision to make but we have to remember we’re number one in our own lives and have to do things that are uncomfortable, but never the less, this has to be done in order for our own well-being. I send you my kudos for this wise choice.

When you meet your twin soul, there are obstacles. If it was easy for everyone to find their twin souls, then everyone would find that person and eliminate all the other soul mates that are supposed to come in their lives for the simple reason that they need them in order to find their higher self. All soul mates are important and none are more important or less important than the other.

These obstacles are tests of spirit. If neither soul mate partners can overcome the obstacles, the relationship will fail. It’s all part of negative karma that one or the other must work out within themselves or they will stagnate in their search for their higher self.

Every living, breathing organism on this earth is on a path which begins with birth and ends with death. However, we all know that death is the end of our physical selves and not our spiritual selves. With each reincarnation, we are put on this earth on a certain path. Negative past life karma stays with you in each reincarnation and follows you until you learn to overcome it. Until your twin soul can overcome his addiction, he will continue down the negative path and he will do one of two things. One, he will get to that point where he reaches out for help, thus knocking down that wall of negative karma and at some other point of time, rejoin you. Or, two, he continues with this negative karma and never reaches higher self, thus traveling through many lifetimes being unhappy and self-destructive. He may find you again, but the same results will occur. It’s a sad process and the only answer to this is for him to get help or he will continue to be in limbo with himself and future relationships.

You will never regret your decision if you realize that it’s your happiness that is most important. I’m very proud of you in your decision. This shows me that you are on the right path towards happiness and total well-being and only positive things will happen to you as long as you remember this and stay on this path. Please, do not stray from this path.

Now, the unfortunate thing about this is, when we are born, we are blessed and yet cursed with a heart. The heart is a powerful organ. Not only is it our breath of life, but it also controls our feelings. Hurting of the heart is the worse pain imaginable, as you know.

What you need to try to do is put up an invisible wall when you feel yourself weakening. Remember, be strong! I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to have the mind and the heart synchronized. Train your mind to control your heart and this will work.

Now, you wanted to know if there was any way that you can keep the relationship and make it work. ONLY if your twin soul seeks help will this work. Any kind of substance abuse is not only unhealthy for the person, but unhealthy for relationships, also. It absolutely will not work unless you close your eyes to the fact, but that only works for some time until the negativity grows from a tiny little rock to a huge mountain that will be so huge, you’ll never get out from under it.

You have to put your foot down and say to yourself that your happiness is the most important thing in the world. That’s the bottom line. You have to tell your twin soul that he needs to get help and that is the only way you will return. If the love is strong enough, he will get help. If he refuses, then that’s your answer.

Please, let me know how things turn out. My heart goes to you!

Love and Light,

Dorothy

~*~*~

Dorothy Thompson
Author, Syndicated Relationship Columnist, Soul Mate Relationship Coach
http://www.dorothythompson.net

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Do you have a question you would like answered about the soul mate relationship?
Send your question to Soul Mate Relationship Coach Dorothy Thompson at thewriterslife@yahoo.com or fill out the online form at AskDorothy.

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